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Posts Tagged ‘positive Self-talk’

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen. Ernest Hemingway

45 year old Judy revealed in an anger management class that she was constantly angry at her husband.  When asked why, she revealed that the fact that she has a home based business that she is building has always conflicted with her on whether to spend time with her husband or to create a better quality of  life for the family.

She loved her husband but she also enjoyed what she was doing to contribute to the family. She felt he was create a better quality of life, more money and more time. However she resented her husband becoming more demanding and upset when she spent needed time with her business instead of being with him.

Judy revealed that she dealt with the situation by ignoring her husband when he expressed displeasure – with disastrous results. These included constant bickering and tension in the home as well as emotional distance from each other.

How much better the outcome would have been had Judy used basic skills of assertive communication.

What is assertive communication?

It is a way to communicate to your friends, your team and to your family your rights, feelings and needs- but in a good way. It is a method of letting peopel know where you stand on things and what your limits and boundaries are.

Assertive communication allows you to clarify communication and stand up for yourself without making things worse or getting a negative result or response from your team and loved ones.

Four Steps to Assertive Communication:

Step 1- Send clear messages

Turns out Judy had never clearly told her husband how she felt when he put pressure on her to spend time with him instead of her buisness. When she did discuss it, she hemmed, hawed and stammered with almost no eye contact.

As a result her husband was not getting a clear message. To communicate clearly, look at your posture and your facial expressions, as well as your hand and arm movements. Pay special attention to your tone of voice which can say volumes beyond your words. Research shows that Only 7% is conveyed in the words we use. 38% is conveyed in the voice, it’s quality, use of tone and inflections and 55% of communication is conveyed by the body language we use, i.e.; Use of eye contact, gestures and facial expressions.

Step 2 – Learn how to listen

Assertive people have developed their listening skills. While hearing is done with your ears, true listening is done with your heart. To be a better communicator, start by becoming a better listener. God has created us with one mouth but 2 ears and 2 eyes. That is what i calla clue! it is better to listen and see then it is to talk. Listen with your heart feel the emotions of others.

Much silence makes a powerful noise. proverb

Step 3 – Start the conversation with “I feel” rather than “you should.”

Words have tremendous power to determine how other people experience us, and how they respond to an issue. For this reason, people with good assertive communication skills focus on the problem behavior (and not the character of the person), stick to the point, don’t use labels, and make “I” statements rather than “you” statements.

Judy tried this with her husband and it worked very well.  Here is what she said: “Honey, I love you and want to be with you, but I also want to work to help contribute to the family. Could you get along without me for a hour or two a night? I’ll try to always be done by 8:30 PM.”

The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust. Josh Billings

Step 4 – Acknowledge your part in the conflict or issue

Anger is often an escalating process, involving two people who create a negative feeling in each other, sometimes instantly and sometimes over a long period of time.

It is natural to blame another family member entirely for the problem, especially when we are angry or in a defensive mode.

But, once we return to normal, the assertive communicator is able to accept some of the responsibility for the conflict. This acceptance and acknowledgement of your contribution to the problem is an indication of emotional maturity and can create an entirely different atmosphere between conflicting issues.

Try saying the following things to promote communication:

– My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry. – Even though I still feel I was right about the issue, my reaction wasn’t right and I apologize. – I never thought of things that way. – Let me start again in a different way. – I can see my part in all this.

To Judy’s delight, when she practiced saying some of these things to her husband in a loving way, he began changing too. Almost immediately, he became less demanding, more understanding, and more aligned with her so both of them could work the buisness together.

Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals. J. Isham

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Success is more than economic gains, titles, and degrees. Planning for success is about mapping out all the aspects of your life. Similar to a map, you need to define the following details: origin, destination, vehicle, backpack, landmarks, and route.

Origin:  Who you are

A map has a starting point. Your origin is who you are right now. Most people when asked to introduce themselves would say, “Hi, I’m Jean and I am a 17-year old, senior highschool student.” It does not tell you about who Jean is; it only tells you her present preoccupation. To gain insights about yourself, you need to look closely at your beliefs, values, and principles aside from your economic, professional, cultural, and civil status. Moreover, you can also reflect on your experiences to give you insights on your good and not-so-good traits, skills, knowledge, strengths, and weaknesses. Upon introspection, Jean realized that she was highly motivated, generous, service-oriented, but impatient. Her inclination was in the biological-medical field. Furthermore, she believed that life must serve a purpose, and that wars were destructive to human dignity.

Destination: A vision of who you want to be

“Who do want to be?” this is your vision. Now it is important that you know yourself so that you would have a clearer idea of who you want to be; and the things you want to change whether they are attitudes, habits, or points of view. If you hardly know yourself, then your vision and targets for the future would also be unclear. Your destination should cover all the aspects of your being: the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Continuing Jean’s story, after she defined her beliefs, values, and principles in life, she decided that she wanted to have a life dedicated in serving her fellowmen.

Vehicle: Your Mission

A vehicle is the means by which you can reach your destination. It can be analogized to your mission or vocation in life. To a great extent, your mission would depend on what you know about yourself. Bases on Jean’s self-assessment, she decided that she was suited to become a doctor, and that she wanted to become one. Her chosen vocation was a medical doctor. Describing her vision-mission fully: it was to live a life dedicated to serving her fellowmen as a doctor in conflict-areas.

Travel Bag: Your knowledge, skills, and attitude

Food, drinks, medicines, and other travelling necessities are contained in a bag. Applying this concept to your life map, you also bring with you certain knowledge, skills, and attitudes. These determine your competence and help you in attaining your vision. Given such, there is a need for you to assess what knowledge, skills, and attitudes you have at present and what you need to gain along the way. This two-fold assessment will give you insights on your landmarks or measures of success. Jean realized that she needed to gain professional knowledge and skills on medicine so that she could become a doctor. She knew that she was a bit impatient with people so she realized that this was something she wanted to change.

Landmarks and Route: S.M.A.R.T. objectives

Landmarks confirm if you are on the right track while the route determines the travel time. Thus, in planning out your life, you also need to have landmarks and a route. These landmarks are your measures of success. These measures must be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time bound. Thus you cannot set two major landmarks such as earning a master’s degree and a doctorate degree within a period of three years, since the minimum number of years to complete a master’s degree is two years. Going back to Jean as an example, she identified the following landmarks in her life map: completing a bachelor’s degree in biology by the age of 21; completing medicine by the age of 27; earning her specialization in infectious diseases by the age of 30; getting deployed in local public hospitals of their town by the age of 32; and serving as doctor in war-torn areas by the age of 35.

Anticipate Turns, Detours, and Potholes

The purpose of your life map is to minimize hasty and spur-of-the-moment decisions that can make you lose your way. But oftentimes our plans are modified along the way due to some inconveniences, delays, and other situations beyond our control. Like in any path, there are turns, detours, and potholes thus; we must anticipate them and adjust accordingly.

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“A man is not hurt so much by what happens, as by his opinion of what happens.”
– Michael Eyquem De Montaigne

On my way home from a meeting I came across a very playful dog and his owner. The dog’s tail was wagging and he was jumping up and down with excitement. He was excited to meet the strangers around him and was running around without a worry in the world. The owner was excited to play with him and he was smiling and laughing as the dog jumped up and down to show his affection.

 In the everyday world, there are people trapped in an environment of ‘stinking thinking’; living life based on their negative attitude. As I sat there watching this happy dog run around I could not help but think about how a person’s attitude controls their actions and their outlook on life. There are two sides of attitude: the negative and positive sides. Most people choose to live in the negative. Why is this? Why is that people choose to live in that mindset? Is it because they don’t know better? I don’t think so.

 The reason I ask these questions is because the dog I was watching had only 3 legs, yet it played like it had four. So many times I’ve come across people who place so much blame on the world or society around them that they live their lives in the ‘poor me’ mindset, or the negative side of attitude.

 As I sat there contemplating this, I began to realize that dogs do not let things affect them, no matter what happens. I have never seen a dog down on life, have you? I’m sure that dogs that are mistreated may fear people but, even then, they still will be loyal to their master and when they meet nice people they’re excited and happy. Of course dogs have different moods, sickness, laziness, and are protective just as humans are but they never let life get them down, no matter what. This dog did not look at his handicap as a negative outcome.

I believe one of the reasons they’re never affected by the negative of society is because they don’t know any better; no choice, no problem. They don’t know they have the choice. They associate life as happy and fun. They don’t realize they can be negative or mad at the world. Even if nature has played a cruel trick on them, they just go with it. Just like this dog.

So I ask you, why can’t we live like this dog? Even though it’s a doggy dog world out there, we don’t need to live in the negativity of blame and it should not control our attitude or stop us from getting the most out of life.

Our attitude is not determined by circumstances, but by how we respond to the circumstances. Our mind determines our attitude. We control our mind. We have a choice to either respond positively or negatively. Your life is not determined by what life brings you but how you bring your attitude to life. Like the dog, it is how we react to everything around us that determines our attitude. No matter how bad it may seem, there is always a better side to a negative attitude.

 

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Thoughts have the power to affect each one and the life that one lives.

realityOne’s thoughts are very vital tools in creating and shaping the reality that one experiences. Thoughts are responsible for the creation of one’s emotional state, affecting the body, health and one’s daily living in general, influencing one’s responses to relationships and to life and  determine one’s choices.

The power of your thought can enable reality, and all realities. This reality however at times often will have one accept otherwise. Believing that your fate lies in other people’s hands and to the things beyond one’s control, then one looses that basic power granted to him, which is the very power or capability to create.

Loosing this power, one then makes it easier for other persons to change and manipulate one’s own world into that which others want it to be, instead of transforming it yourself into that of what you really want it to be. Bear in mind, you and only you have that right and that power to make your world.

Creating or rewriting one’s own reality will never imply as one being a success in the financial aspect of success. Being poor or rich is not the requirement of this state; however, maintaining a positive and healthy attitude is very much the prerequisite.

Remember that every successes stems or results from one’s own capability to attract the positive character of one’s divine Father. One must recognize that every incident that one lives through is intentionally created for one’s enlightenment.

Although one has been deceived in succession, one’s illusion constantly builds up like prison gates simply because one was unsuccessful to retrieve the life force of happiness. One must concentrate on certain things that guarantee a positive concept of success.  The powerful reason for this is that inside a negative energy compartment, it sustains and encourages only negative energy.

Energy streams where it is recognized. A negative energy should stream to its source in order to be alive. So much like gasoline set on fire. Fire is attracted to gasoline until such time that fire consumes everything and dies out. 
It will not live without something assisting in its formation. Take note that fire will wipe out everything provided that there is still energy feeding it.  The moment that fires sustenance is gone, then fire should, by law of nature, distinguish itself.

It is this exact law that exists in every person’s thoughts. The energy one produces will feed on the equivalent energy that is in existent in that certain thought.  Negative thoughts feeds on negative energy, in the same manner that positive thoughts attract and feed on positive energy.

The more negative thought that one has, the more that he creates negative energy all around him. This negative energy in time will build up enormously around one’s life for so many miles literally.

That explains why some individuals have negative incidents attached to them.  Certain facets go on haunting certain individuals for years to such point that these individuals feels that they are born unlucky or that they are cursed. When in fact, they have created this negative energy and have accumulated so much, feeding them off. 

You have the power to rewrite this reality, this negative energy that you have nourished.  Defeat it with pleasant, positive and inspiring thoughts, all the time, every time.  Continuously doing so will distinguish the negative fire within. 

Here are simple ways to rewrite your thoughts and your reality:

1.  There is a need and a must to change your beliefs and attitude concerning your present reality.  Shift your attention and focus in the direction that you believe can bring you more success and peace.  Turn negative thoughts into positive ones; whenever a negative thought enters your mind, block it off instantly with a positive thought. 

2.   Create an image or think of the new and positive reality that you want to achieve and focus on it constantly; should there is a need for you to decide on a certain aspect in your life, refer to that image, to help you in your decision making. 

3.  Heal all your negative thoughts.  Look inside you and determine what needs to be done and what you want to do.  Keep on focusing to that reality that you want to achieve and never be afraid to take the steps towards it.  Remember, fear is negative.

Wanting to succeed above every circumstance in your life, means using the power of your thoughts to make the reality that you want.  Focus your attention to the thoughts and images that you want to project, that you want to achieve; this, combined with that passionate feeling deep inside you, your thoughts will be able to bring forth what you truly desire.

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People are being held back from success usually because of fear of success.

When in doubt it brings us down by lowering our confidence and self-esteem. Being afraid of failure to succeed is the most common fear we have.

Once you realize what is causing your fear, you can move to techniques of self-talk to change the conditions. Fear affects the mind and body causing us to let ourselves down as well as others around us.

Never doubt the potential ability a human spirit has to find a way to overcome fear and obstacles in its path, no matter how challenging it may be. Where faith, prayer, determination, patience, and the belief that you can do anything with persistence the supernatural becomes part of your world and everything becomes capable.

The link below shows how one can overcome fears way beyond what we can comprehend. You will be amazed at the abilities that one can create when face with fear and obstacles like this one boy in the video has.  This video is one of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen.

Do not let fear control your life. I am sure Ben Underwood had allot of Self-talk both positive and negative however he chose the path to program his mind to have positive Self-talk. You, like Ben can use Self-talk to help you do anything you want when your using positive thinking. Some people are afraid to climb over a fence. To overcome this fear of going over the fence, tell yourself you can do it. Face it and force yourself to go over the fence to the other side. Overcoming a fear systematically and self-talk your way through each step will help you to accomplish this fear. Think positive that you can and will do it to succeed. 

Tell yourself that you are in control of your life and fear is not going to get in the way.  Once you get over the fence, you will gain self-confidence and self-esteem because you told yourself you could do this and you did. 

Self-confidence and esteem will help you to overcome other fears as it grows. Once you manage to overcome one fear the next one will be easier because you did it once now you can do it again to get where you want to go in order to succeed. Take control, gain self-confidence with positive thinking, and self-talk.

Use positive thinking and self-talk to learn the techniques of reprogramming your mind to think positive. Do not let your conscious and subconscious tell you that something cannot be done. If you think positive instead of the negative things, you will soon learn that you can do anything you want and succeed by being positive.

Challenge your fears and work your way through the process by being positive. Do you think as Ben Underwood ran from his fears? Do not run from your fears of success.  Make a decision that you can and will become the master at overcoming any fear of success or a certain fear. 

In order to become the person you want to be in the future you need to be positive and overcome the fact that you failed once because of thinking negative things. Gaining self-control and thinking process will reprogram you; mind and soon you will be positive thinking and will not even realize it.

Tell yourself that you will take control to unburden your mind and body.  You take all the good and bad things in life with positive thinking. Use positive thinking and self-talking to stay in control. Tell yourself that with confidence and self-esteem you can master anything as Ben Underwood has. 

 We need to be positive in today’s world and fight the fears of everyday life. Everyday something happens and if we are thinking negative things, all the time our fears will increase and than we lose, self control. Most importantly what you think shall be. You make it true!

We learn from making mistakes and being positive that we can overcome something we can learn from our mistakes and keep them from happening again. Mistakes make all of us a better person for tomorrow. Imagine for a moment the learning curve that Ben Underwood had to go through. Each step was a journey of over coming fears and obstacles to make misstates and learn from them. Ben Underwood self talked taught him to fight and have a positive attitude towards not allowing his handicap to keep him from experiencing life to the fullest.

Being positive will strengthen your confidence and self-esteem to be the person you have always wanted to be.

Direct yourself to take control to disencumber your mind and body. Take the good with the bad and learn how to make it positive. Blurting out to yourself with positive thoughts and inner strength you can be in console. Express yourself with confidence and self-honor so that you can master all obstacles that come your way.

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